| Bigger Balls |
After a 2 year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's recreational preferences:
1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: bowling.
3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is: football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: golf.
Conclusion: The higher you rise in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. |
| Super Bowl Commitment |
A young man was very excited because he just won a ticket to the Super Bowl. His excitement lessened as he realized his seat was in the back of the stadium. As he searched the rows ahead of him for a better seat, he found an empty one right next to the field.
He approached the man sitting next to the empty seat and asked if it was taken.
The man replied, "No."
Amazed the young man asked, "How could someone pass up a seat like this?"
The older gentleman responded, "That's my wife's seat. We've been to every Super Bowl together since the day we were married but she has passed away."
"Oh, how sad," the man said. "I'm sorry to hear that, but couldn't you find a friend or relative to come with you?"
"No," the man said, "They're all at the funeral." |
| Einstein |
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?"
the man answers "241."
"That is wonderful!," says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" the lady answers, "144."
"That is great!," responds Albert. "We can discuss politics and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" the man answers, "51."
Albert responds, "How 'bout them Cowboys?" |
| The Bears |
| Three bears had been having some trouble recently and ended up in family court. Momma and Poppa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with. The judge talked to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear answered "No, I can't live with Poppa bear, he beats me terribly." "Okay," said the judge. "Then you want to live with your mother, right?" "No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Poppa bear does."
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, are there any relatives you would like to stay with?" "Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago." You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge. "Oh certainly," said baby bear, "The Chicago Bears don't beat anyone." |
| The Dog |
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry. No pets allowed."
The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Browns game and you'll see."
The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.
The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Browns score, my dog does flips." The Browns keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.
"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Browns score a touchdown?"
The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years!" |
| War Zone |
Al Davis had finally put together the perfect Oakland Raiders team for '98. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldn't find a quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl win.
Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window 200 yards away! He threw another grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away! A car passes going 80 miles (120 km) an hour, and he send another grenade right into the barely open window. "I've got to get this guy," Al says to himself, "He has the perfect arm!"
So he brings him to the States and teaches him the game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes, and the Raiders go on to win the SuperBowl.
The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXIII, and when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.
"Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."
"I don't want to talk to you, " the old woman says, "You deserted us. You're not my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother." the young man pleads, "I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of adoring fans."
"No, let me tell you," the mother implores. "At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was attacked in broad daylight..."
The old lady pauses, then says through her tears, "I'll never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!" |
| Dallas Cowboys Macarena |
Do you know how to do the Dallas Cowboys version of the Macarena?
Stand a foot away from a wall.
Place one hand on the wall, and then the other.
Spead one leg, then the other.
Place one hand behind your head, and then the other.
Place one hand behind your back, and then the other.
Have the policeman handcuff one hand, then the other. |
| Yankee Fan |
Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Yankee fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch.
The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"
Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole." |
| The Student |
An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in San Diego and trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a Chargers fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they too are Charger fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
Because I'm not a Chargers fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked: "Well, if you're not a Chargers fan, then who do you support?"
"I'm a Bronco fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a Bronco fan?"
"Because my mom and dad are from Denver and my mom is a Bronco fan and my dad is a Bronco fan, so I'm a Bronco fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in a obviously annoyed tone, that's no reason for you to be a Bronco fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"
Mary said, "I'd be a Raiders fan." |
| Drunk Lashing |
A Steelers fan, a Browns fan and a Titans fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said, "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Titans fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said, "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Titans fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done.
The Browns fan was next up (he almost finished an entire fifth by himself), and after watching the scene, said "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Browns fan out crying like a little girl.
The Steelers fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik turned to him and said, "You support the greatest team in the world, your team has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thanks, your most Royal highness," the Steelers fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asks.
"Tie the Browns fan to my back." |
| Gold Lantern |
| A Steelers fan was walking on the beach when he noticed a gold lantern, he picked it up and rubbed it, then suddenly a Geannie appeared wearing a Tim Couch jeresy. The Geannie told the steelers fan he had three wishes, but whatever he wished the Browns fans around the world would recieve double the wish. The steelers fan thought long and hard, he then began his wishes, he asked for a million dollars, Poof a million dollars, the Geannie laughed and pronounced every browns fan is now a millionarie. Then the steelers fan wished for a beautiful blond for a wife. Poof, a beautiful wife. The Geannie began laughing again and said "now every browns fan has two blonds for wives". The steelers fan repeated the Geannie and said "browns fan get doudle what I wish for"? "Yes" the Geannie said laughing hysterically. Then the steelers fan said "fine I wish to be beaten half to death!" |
| Electric Chair |
There was a Brown's fan, a Steelers fan, and a Bug Eater. They attempted to rob a bank but got caught. They went to court and were sentenced to the electric chair. The guys operating it told them that if they survived they were free to go.
The Steelers fan went first. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He told them no. He pressed the button and nothing happened so he was free to go.
The bug eater went next. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He said no and pressed the button. Nothing happened and he was free to go.
The Browns fan went next. They asked him if he had any last words.
"I think if you plug the chair in, it'll work better." |
| School Day |
| Today in class all of the kids are going to tell there teacher what their dads do for a living. Well, little Bobby went first. My dads a doctor and makes lots of money. Next was little Billy. My dads a lawyer and he also makes lots of money. Now it was little Timmy's turn but he just sat there and said nothing. His teacher was like Timmy tell us what your dad does. Nah, I don't want to. Come on Timmy, be apart of the class. Well, OK... my dad is a gay stripper for a gay strip club at night, dances on men's laps and sometimes he will go in the ally and have sex with them for extra money. Right away the teacher changed the subject and told the kids to go to recess. She told Timmy to come here and she asked him why he said that. I am embarrassed of what my dad does for a living. Yes, but what could be worse than what you just said. He's a Browns fan. Oh, Timmy... I am so sorry!!! |
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